see...aren't they great?
Anyhoo, all the reminiscing about my college years got me to thinking about where and who I was as a person 5-9 years ago. I was so different. I look back at that girl, and I love her for everything she learned during that time. I see now that it was all a stepping stone to get where I am today.
Today I need Jesus. All day every day. Back then I didn't think I did. For me, college, and pretty much my whole life leading up to it, I thought that if I worked hard enough, and was self reliant, and tried my best, and learned the most, and made the grades that I would be enough and that achievement could sustain me. It was a lie back then, and now I see it. Achievement for the sake of achievement is nothing. Back then, to me, it was everything. I think for me, focusing on school and being an overachiever in the classroom was a mask. I was hiding behind it and focusing on it in a way that I didn't have to look myself in the mirror. Or really look at Jesus. I didn't have to face the tough questions and challenges that come with being honest with myself and seeing myself in the light of the Gospel. It was easier to worship grades and the world's opinion, but it was far less beautiful and fulfilling and glorifying.
Since college I have learned to not care about the world's opinion. I'm such a people pleaser that this is really hard, but whether or not I think it's hard is not what matters. There are times still, after ~2 years of being a stay at home mom, that I am ashamed (for a brief moment) that I am not out there using my smarts and working. In my head, according to the world, I am a smart, educated, talented woman who 'should' be working. I know a lot people have opinions about it. "How 1950s of you to want to be a stay at home wife/mother?? Wow, you must be rich! What a luxury to be able to stay home." It wasn't a hard decision to stay home. After 4 years of undergrad, 2 years of grad school, and a year of working part-time, I knew it was where I was being called. Adam was extremely supportive. We made the budget work, and I stayed home. (*disclaimer - not trying to get in an argument about staying home or working as a mother - go where you're called, and let's all support each other, mmmkay? I'm not projecting these lessons and experiences onto your life, just sharing my own.)
There are many days where working outside the home is extraordinarily tempting. When I'm working, I feel good about myself, I feel accomplished, I feel smart, I feel confident in myself...I don't feel the daily need to lean on Jesus. When I'm a stay at home wife/mother...I feel that need by the minute. And that's why I know home is where I am supposed to be right now. I know - even though it is so hard - that this is good. I never thought it would be such a beautiful feeling to feel so inadequate. In those multiple moments throughout the day when I feel that way, I am reminded over and over that Jesus is adequate. When I am weak, He really is strong - those aren't just words, but a daily reality. If I was working, I don't think I would experience that reality in such a tangible, personal way every day. I know God is using this time to teach me and mold me, and I (sometimes hesitantly) welcome it.
I'm not saying that I'll never work outside the home, but I do know that I won't do it unless I feel the Lord pulling me there and that it's something that glorifies Him. I pray I never get back to that super-comfortable-confident place in life where I think I don't need Jesus.
The biggest lesson I'm taking away from this post-college season of life is to forget what the world expects of you and go where you're called. Whether it's inside the home, outside the home, another country, a new job, wherever it is - go. Lean into Jesus - He'll tell you where to go, and He will get you through it. His methods can be unexpected, exhausting, and can totally wreck you, but it is so incredibly beautiful to experience. Go.
