Since College...

This past weekend, I had my 5 year college reunion.  It was a blast.  We got to go back to campus, hang out in our freshman dorm, reminisce about the good old days, and create some new memories.  The friendships I developed there are so incredibly precious to me, I can't imagine where I'd be today without these women.  I know it's a God thing that we were all brought together there.

see...aren't they great?

Anyhoo, all the reminiscing about my college years got me to thinking about where and who I was as a person 5-9 years ago.  I was so different.  I look back at that girl, and I love her for everything she learned during that time.  I see now that it was all a stepping stone to get where I am today.

Today I need Jesus.  All day every day.  Back then I didn't think I did.  For me, college, and pretty much my whole life leading up to it, I thought that if I worked hard enough, and was self reliant, and tried my best, and learned the most, and made the grades that I would be enough and that achievement could sustain me.  It was a lie back then, and now I see it.  Achievement for the sake of achievement is nothing.  Back then, to me, it was everything.  I think for me, focusing on school and being an overachiever in the classroom was a mask.  I was hiding behind it and focusing on it in a way that I didn't have to look myself in the mirror.  Or really look at Jesus.  I didn't have to face the tough questions and challenges that come with being honest with myself and seeing myself in the light of the Gospel.  It was easier to worship grades and the world's opinion, but it was far less beautiful and fulfilling and glorifying.

Since college I have learned to not care about the world's opinion.  I'm such a people pleaser that this is really hard, but whether or not I think it's hard is not what matters.  There are times still, after ~2 years of being a stay at home mom, that I am ashamed (for a brief moment) that I am not out there using my smarts and working.  In my head, according to the world, I am a smart, educated, talented woman who 'should' be working.  I know a lot people have opinions about it.  "How 1950s of you to want to be a stay at home wife/mother??  Wow, you must be rich!  What a luxury to be able to stay home."  It wasn't a hard decision to stay home.  After 4 years of undergrad, 2 years of grad school, and a year of working part-time, I knew it was where I was being called.  Adam was extremely supportive.  We made the budget work, and I stayed home. (*disclaimer - not trying to get in an argument about staying home or working as a mother - go where you're called, and let's all support each other, mmmkay?  I'm not projecting these lessons and experiences onto your life, just sharing my own.)

There are many days where working outside the home is extraordinarily tempting.  When I'm working, I feel good about myself, I feel accomplished, I feel smart, I feel confident in myself...I don't feel the daily need to lean on Jesus.  When I'm a stay at home wife/mother...I feel that need by the minute.  And that's why I know home is where I am supposed to be right now.  I know - even though it is so hard - that this is good.  I never thought it would be such a beautiful feeling to feel so inadequate.  In those multiple moments throughout the day when I feel that way, I am reminded over and over that Jesus is adequate.  When I am weak, He really is strong - those aren't just words, but a daily reality.  If I was working, I don't think I would experience that reality in such a tangible, personal way every day.  I know God is using this time to teach me and mold me, and I (sometimes hesitantly) welcome it.

I'm not saying that I'll never work outside the home, but I do know that I won't do it unless I feel the Lord pulling me there and that it's something that glorifies Him.  I pray I never get back to that super-comfortable-confident place in life where I think I don't need Jesus.

The biggest lesson I'm taking away from this post-college season of life is to forget what the world expects of you and go where you're called.  Whether it's inside the home, outside the home, another country, a new job, wherever it is - go.  Lean into Jesus - He'll tell you where to go, and He will get you through it.  His methods can be unexpected, exhausting, and can totally wreck you, but it is so incredibly beautiful to experience.  Go.

On The Move

I know I haven't written in a loooong time, but I feel like I need to write.  We are moving.  I am so deeply and genuinely excited about the adventure of starting a new chapter in our lives, clearing out all of the junk out of our house, and just seeing where God leads our family.  But when I let the thoughts sink in of such great change, and the reality of leaving our house, our yard, our neighborhood, I freak out a little.  Okay, a lot.

I don't handle change well.  I may appear to handle it well on the outside when I remind myself and say out loud how I am excited to see what happens next or giddy with the thought of something new, but inside I freak out.  Like, chest-tightening, shortness of breath, cry in the shower freak out.  It's not the something new that freaks me out, it's saying good-bye to the something old.  In this case, the something old is a perfectly fine house, our first house, a big, green, sunny, breezy, perfect-for-stargazing, daughter-and-dog-love-to-run-around-in yard, lots of flowers I planted with my own hands, the door through which I carried my children home from the hospital, one of the most magnificent night skies I've ever seen, fresh country air, no traffic unless there's a tractor, beautiful sunsets, redbuds out my back window, crazy but lovable gun-toting neighbors, and oh so many memories from these past four years.  But most of all, what I'm saying good-bye to is my comfort zone.

I am comfortable in the country.  I thrive in the openness and the fresh air and the distance.  It's my sweet spot.  There are lots of reasons why we are moving, most of them business related and exciting, but I just know that one of them is to get me out of my comfort zone.  I know that God will use this next little chapter of my life to stretch me and make me reach for him and need him more and more.  I'll probably need to make my way out to the country here and there to enjoy the quiet, the fresh air, and the stars - these are the things that make God's presence ever so clear to me, and they're my love language - but I also pray that God will show himself to me in new things that I haven't noticed him in before.  Maybe in new neighbors, and city noise, and traffic.  Who knows??  I'll have to wait with open eyes and an open heart to find out.

But the most beautiful, comforting thing about change is that God doesn't.  Thank God for that.

Farewell Facebook

I am done with facebook. At least for now. It's just another THING in this world that clutters my mind and interferes with reality. For lent, I've given up TV (except for The Voice and sports...those aren't junk), and it has made such a difference in my productivity and even spiritual life. Instead of driving down the road thinking "gosh, I hope Taylor and Lisa can really work it out" (<--good for you if you don't know who I'm talking about) I drive down the road in prayer or thinking of real-life important things. It's refreshing.

Facebook didn't used to be so bad, but I don't really "like" (<-- get it??) what it's evolved into. People's thoughts and emotions are affirmed or denied based on the number of people that 'like' or comment on a status or picture. There is always someone out there who disagrees with you. There are always causes floating around where people think you're an ass if you don't support it, but plenty of people will be there to tell you why you're an ignorant idiot if you do. People can paint such flowery, unrealistic pictures of their life with their words and pictures and I think people start to compare their lives to these 'faux' lives portrayed online, and it turns into a negative thing. It's just not real. I know that most of these things can happen in real life too, but I think I'll stick with real life.

And while I'm on it, real life, not facebook, is your reality. I think, for a lot of people, facebook is a way for people to paint whatever picture of themselves they want to paint, and then feel validated in it (guilty). I think this, not networking, is why it has such a pull on people. I would dare say that the majority of the posts on facebook are not there to update friends, but at their core are there to project an image of a person so he/she can feel good about him/herself. I'm all for feeling good, but again, this is not reality. Instead of looking for validation or confidence through facebook, look in the mirror. Look at your heart. Look at your real-life intentional relationships and go from there. If you want to change how your life and personality are projected, do that. But don't just do it on facebook and pretend it's reality.

Real life is slower, smaller, more deliberate, and much much more personal. 743 people do not need to see my daughter's birthday pictures. If I haven't seen you since elementary school, I don't need to know where you're eating dinner. I know times are a-changin', but I just don't think that this is real relationship. If I want to catch up with distant family, I'll write an email, or maybe even a letter in the snail mail. If I want to share pictures with my real life friends or family, then I'll do just that; everyone else I've ever met doesn't need to see them. If I have something worth saying, then I'll say it to a real person and not just put it in a status. This way if I run into an old friend or acquaintance, or go to a high school reunion, we won't have that awkward moment of thinking "I know all about your life, but I'll pretend I don't" as we smile and nod. I want a little surprise and mystery in life. And if people really want to catch up with me and my family - I have email, a physical address, 2 phone numbers, a twitter, and I think even a linkedin. I think that's more than sufficient.

I have been in too many situations, and seen too many situations where people are together in real life, and they're all on their smart phones on facebook and twitter instead of enjoying the presence of the living, breathing, warm, life-filled human beings surrounding them. I think it's really sad. I want to treasure this type of relationship, not hinder it with technology.

So for that, I'm done. You know where to find me. And if you don't, let's be honest, we're probably not that close anyway :)

Invitation into the Uglies

So it's been just about a month since I've been home full time. I haven't really even noticed that I haven't gone in to work...oops! I already see little improvements in my comfort and confidence at home. Don't get it twisted, there are certainly days where I feel like the house looks like it's half way to Hoarderville, but those days are becoming fewer and farther between (further??...English teachers??), so that's fabulous.

One of the most helpful realizations I've had is the importance of inviting God into all my difficult little moments throughout the day. This is so easy to forget!! It's easy to wake up and say "okay God, I need ya today!", and just as easy to forget that He's there when the phone's ringing, baby's crying, and all you really want to do is nap. It's in those little moments that He wants to help. For some reason, it's also in those little moments that we forget we're not alone.

I know that in my case, aloneness has been a pretty common feeling in this first year+ of motherhood. This is kind of funny because by nature of motherhood, and one of the most challenging parts of adjusting to it is that the time you actually get to spend alone outside of the shower is almost nonexistent. Even though I've had the constant company of the new bundle of love, and the company of my husband when he's not working, I've still often found myself feeling rather alone. Like no one could really understand what I feel like and the transitions I'm going through and the daily challenges I face - even if they try.

Part of this realization I've had is that God is the answer to all those problems. In those lonely moments, I just need to remember He's there. When I feel like no one understands what I'm going through, I need to remember that He does. Those things never change. He's always there, and always knows my heart. My focus for the next little while is going to be remembering God in those tough little moments in hopes that it will become habit. When I look at my messy house and feel disappointed in myself, I'm going to call on God and remember that my messy house doesn't change the Love of the Father. My bad attitude in traffic, my frustration with my poor food choices, or even my crankiness from exhaustion can all be transformed by Grace. All I have to do is invite Him into those moments - even when they're ugly - and be willing to be changed.

On a related note, I've been reading this book, and I'm really enjoying it so far!

All-In

I'm all-in. I'm pushing all my chips towards God, and walking away from something that I really enjoy. It's scary. After a lot of thought and prayerful listening, I've decided to go all-in with wifehood and motherhood. Since J has been about 2 months old, I've been working part time at Duke as an Exercise Specialist. I really like it...a lot. I really enjoy helping people, and being able to share the knowledge and expertise I've built up over the past 6 or 7 years. Plus I get paid to work-out which doesn't suck. But, one hour of work requires at least 3 hours of my day - often 4 hours. It's been difficult to establish a schedule with J since my schedule is not consistent at work. I feel like I can't give my full attention and focus to either home or work since my time and energy are required to go towards both. It's hard. I don't really even work all that much, but it's enough to cause extra stress and frustration with home because I am not used to doing important things half way.

*Disclaimer - I'm not saying that some women aren't called to work outside the home. Do whatever you feel called to do! God has different plans for everyone.*

God has laid it upon my heart to leave 'career' Kathleen in the past, and focus on home. As much as I don't like to admit it, a good chunk of my identity is wrapped up in 'student/career' Kathleen, and not enough of it is established through Christ. I know that moving forward to this next phase of life, God will provide everything I need. He'll always be with me, carefully and lovingly guiding my steps if I'm willing to listen. While I know this, and this gives me so much peace, there's still that stubborn childish side of me that wants to stomp my feet and say "but I don't WANNA give it up!" It's scary letting go of something that identifies you (whether it should or not). It almost feels like a break-up. I've had a 7 year relationship with this field, and it's time to move on...or at least take a break. Who knows. It's not up to me!

He must increase; I must decrease. I know it will be beautiful, and I know I will learn so much during this time. There are so many areas of home life that I want to improve - organization, cleanliness, cooking, parenting, gardening, budgeting...everything! I know this will be a good thing. Nothing in me doubts it. But in these last classes that I teach and these last times I go in to work, I'm going to let myself be sad about saying goodbye to something that I really like. I'm going to let myself be sad when clients tell me that they're going to miss me and that they're sad I'm leaving. I'll probably cry in the car on my way to pick up J. But then, I'll wipe my tears, put on my big girl panties (I hate that word), and trust that God is leading me towards something great.

Guest Post on Scars for Love

http://www.scarsforlove.com/one-year-later-my-not-so-natural-delivery/#comment-92

A Tribute to My Husband.

I’m not one to shout things from the rooftop, but I’m going to do a little of that today. I just wanted to take this opportunity to do a little braggin’ on my husband. Today is his 28^th birthday. Praise God he was born!! Praise God his Momma met his Daddy, and their parents met, and so on and so forth. I know without that perfect combination of genes and God’s beautiful design, I wouldn’t be blessed with the man I am blessed with today. I knew the moment I met him that he was not just some ordinary guy. I was in trouble. I’m not saying he’s perfect – no one is, but for me and my house, he’s just right.

Day One. June 24, 2006. Leaving Doggett Center for New Orleans for Katrina Relief.

Adam is such a good person. I mean, duh, I did marry the guy; I must think he's a good person. But truly, his heart is indescribable. Not only is he already just a really good man, but he longs to be an even better man. If you know Adam at all, you know he is an extremely hard worker. He strives to do fair and honest business, and his biggest motivator for working so hard is to help people. He wants business to be successful not so we can roll around in piles of money, but so that we can help other people. He’s already done so many things to lend a helping hand to those in need, but he’d never tell you about them. He’s not so big on talking about the good things he does. He just does them. He’s not going to tell you about the people he’s helped, he’s going to be quietly figuring out how to help the next person. He’s not going to talk about the hard day he’s had or the person who’s done him wrong; he’s going to figure out how to make the next day better. My husband is a doer. I love that about him. His quiet strength and unspoken drive is one of the things I admire most about Adam.

Being manly. Camp Hope 2008.

One of my favorite things about my husband is the fact that he is such a dreamer. He never stops dreaming. Ever. He is always thinking about where he feels God is leading our family, and makes action plans for how to get us there. This man does not sit back and wait for something to happen to get us closer to our dreams, he wakes up every day and busts his [sexy] butt trying to make it happen. I’ve never known anyone so driven and motivated in my life. When he asked me to marry him, he asked me to join him on the adventure of a lifetime. He wasn’t kidding. I truly feel that our life is an adventure. It may not seem like it from the outside looking in, but it sure does feel like it from the inside looking out, and that’s all that matters. His adventurous spirit, dreaming heart, and brilliant mind make me fall in love with him over and over again.

Picnic at the land - one of his favorite dreamin' spots. February 2011.

When we got married, I had his wedding band inscribed with ‘Ephesians 5:21-33’. The passage states:

21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. 33 Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

Some people have issues with this passage because in today’s world, it’s apparently perceived as messed-up and sexist to say that men and women have different roles. Well I am proud to say that we have structured our marriage and household around these Biblical principles. Adam and I have different roles when it comes to our marriage and family because that’s how God designed it. A lot of people get hung up on ‘wives, be subject to your husbands’ and forget the beauty of the rest of this prescription for a healthy marriage. I could go on about this, but my point is that I am so proud, and so blessed to have Adam as my husband, my partner, and the head of my household. He is constantly seeking to be closer to Christ, often with the motivation of yearning to be better for me and our daughter. I trust him completely and love him wholly. I’ll follow Adam to the ends of the Earth if that’s where he feels led.

January 3, 2009. Just going to lunch...JK, it was our wedding day.

Not only is Adam a wonderful person and husband, but I have loved watching him turn into a wonderful father. I’m not sure anything else fills my heart with joy more than seeing him love her, and seeing her love him. I often get a little teary when those two are playing or sharing little moments. It’s like when they’re together, the love in my heart is too much to fit, so it has to pour out in the form of warmth and tears. I can’t really describe it. Also, fatherhood is just plain sexy.

Falls Lake, Summer 2011

So Adam, I hope you feel well-celebrated today. I hope you don’t mind that I bragged on you a little bit. I love you…big-time.

Asheville, NC. Summer 2011