All-In

I'm all-in. I'm pushing all my chips towards God, and walking away from something that I really enjoy. It's scary. After a lot of thought and prayerful listening, I've decided to go all-in with wifehood and motherhood. Since J has been about 2 months old, I've been working part time at Duke as an Exercise Specialist. I really like it...a lot. I really enjoy helping people, and being able to share the knowledge and expertise I've built up over the past 6 or 7 years. Plus I get paid to work-out which doesn't suck. But, one hour of work requires at least 3 hours of my day - often 4 hours. It's been difficult to establish a schedule with J since my schedule is not consistent at work. I feel like I can't give my full attention and focus to either home or work since my time and energy are required to go towards both. It's hard. I don't really even work all that much, but it's enough to cause extra stress and frustration with home because I am not used to doing important things half way.

*Disclaimer - I'm not saying that some women aren't called to work outside the home. Do whatever you feel called to do! God has different plans for everyone.*

God has laid it upon my heart to leave 'career' Kathleen in the past, and focus on home. As much as I don't like to admit it, a good chunk of my identity is wrapped up in 'student/career' Kathleen, and not enough of it is established through Christ. I know that moving forward to this next phase of life, God will provide everything I need. He'll always be with me, carefully and lovingly guiding my steps if I'm willing to listen. While I know this, and this gives me so much peace, there's still that stubborn childish side of me that wants to stomp my feet and say "but I don't WANNA give it up!" It's scary letting go of something that identifies you (whether it should or not). It almost feels like a break-up. I've had a 7 year relationship with this field, and it's time to move on...or at least take a break. Who knows. It's not up to me!

He must increase; I must decrease. I know it will be beautiful, and I know I will learn so much during this time. There are so many areas of home life that I want to improve - organization, cleanliness, cooking, parenting, gardening, budgeting...everything! I know this will be a good thing. Nothing in me doubts it. But in these last classes that I teach and these last times I go in to work, I'm going to let myself be sad about saying goodbye to something that I really like. I'm going to let myself be sad when clients tell me that they're going to miss me and that they're sad I'm leaving. I'll probably cry in the car on my way to pick up J. But then, I'll wipe my tears, put on my big girl panties (I hate that word), and trust that God is leading me towards something great.